Friday, April 17, 2015

Gettin' Real Tired of Your Sh*t, Pinterest

Pinterest is my most favorite place on the entire intertubes.

I love it more than Facebook, and I visit Facebook every day.

I love it more than email. In fact I check my email about once a week, sometimes less.

I love it more than YouTube, and my kids use YouTube meditation and guided imagery to fall asleep, and I LOVE IT when they fall asleep.

Don't get your panties in a wad, I also love it when they are awake.

I joined Pinterest early on because it was something I was already doing. I loved looking for pictures that inspired me or calmed me or appealed to me intellectually or emotionally, and then putting them into groups on my computer.

Pinterest sped up the process tremendously, and helped me connect with people who have similar tastes and interests. I have met people through Pinterest who are now valuable friends.

I go to Pinterest when I panic, when I'm stressed, when I need ideas. I even started curating an account for my sister's fandoms and fantasy art store.

I have over 8000 followers by doing nothing whatsoever besides pinning things. I don't do anything special to get followers (though I did notice followers grew exponentially when I change my account name from my mere human name to The Blasphemous Homemaker). I break pin etiquette rules all the damn time. Don't like me power pinning 100 of your pins? Too fucking bad because I JUST DID so if you block me it's ALREADY TOO LATE. Sad that I won't follow you back? It's nothing personal, it's just that when I do that, I end up seeing a lot of my own pins again in my home feed. Don't like my pro-choice pins? I WILL NOW POST MORE PRO-CHOICE PINS.
I will fucking increase the fucking thing

If I lost all 8000 followers tomorrow I would STILL BE ON PINTEREST because Pinterest is my thing. MY THING.

And now Pinterest is fucking it all up.

It was annoying when they started showing the occasional promoted pin, but I accepted it because eventually all major websites realize they actually need money in order to live. Fine, you need monies. I can deal with that.

But NOW they are trying to recommend things to me. THINGS. And sometimes those things are wrong. Remember Lego Jesus in a bra riding on a unicorn? And sometimes those things are things I have already pinned, for G*d's sake. And tonight those things TOOK OVER MY ENTIRE FUCKING HOME FEED.

Those yellow highlights represent pins picked for me. They also recommend frustration and sadness.

I don't want to see the pins they picked for me. Sometimes I don't even want to see the pins from the boards I picked myself, but I can then go unfollow them and blame no one but myself.

I found a place on Pinterest where I could leave my feedback. This is the text:

Just now, the entire top three rows of my home feed were pins picked for me. Please stop this.

I have been on Pinterest for several years now and have over 8000 followers, and every board I choose to follow has been selected by me after reviewing the value of the pins on those boards. If a board only has one or two pins that appeal to me, I don't follow that board. If the person has values that offend me, I don't follow that person or their boards. If a board is not updated often, I don't care to follow it.

Pinterest is my favorite website, even more than my email or Facebook. It is my favorite because it is mine. Pins that are picked for me without me choosing them are not mine. I DO follow people, not just ideas, and this is starting to stress me out. I LITERALLY HAVE OCD AND ANXIETY, and instead of being the first place I go when I need to take a break or calm down, Pinterest is now becoming a SOURCE of anxiety.

PLEASE. I understand that you need advertisers so I understand there are going to be occasional promoted pins. However, I need you to stop picking pins for me and putting the boards I follow in some kind of hierarchy. I want the ones I chose, in chronological order.

Do you think it will make a difference? I admit it's a little weak and whiny but I'm tired and I just want to look at pins I like before going to bed, but instead I'm angrily typing out a blog post about how Pinterest is moving my cheese.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Nice Try, doTerra, But I Still Won't Grow Up

Even among my Mormon friends, the distinctive Lotus diffuser from doTerra has always been known as the vagina diffuser. Well, now they have debuted a brand new look for it, and guess what, it's not better.

Here's the old lotus diffuser, which looks maybe like a giant tear drop, or possibly the source of some other interesting, enticing smells.

Old lotus diffuser looks nothing like a lotus flower

And here's the new "improved" Lotus Diffuser model.

Updated Lotus Diffuser Screenshot from my new products email

And here is what an anal plug looks like. For reference.


Listen, doTerra. Some of us are never going to mature. There's nothing you can do about that. At least the first model looked decorative. This new model made my husband think of bullet vibrators. Maybe modifications will become popular on Pinterest. There's got to be a way to integrate the new Lotus Diffuser with a mason jar.

PS: The new model becomes available April 1, 2015, along with these other items (Click Here).

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Do You And Your Partner Share a Brain TARDIS?

In Doctor Who, The Doctor's T.A.R.D.I.S. (Time And Relative Dimensions In Space) not only takes him anywhere in time and space, it also translates languages for him so that everything sounds like his language when he hears it or says it. This includes animals and babies.

In two days, on December 4, Bryan and I will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. one of the hallmarks of our marriage is our ability to just make words up and have the other person completely understand what we just said.

Sometimes there are hand gestures involved to make the context more clear, but in general, over half of everything we say to one another is either a quote from The Simpsons or Futurama, or something we just babbled out of our mouths like a baby spitting up milk. This is even more true when we text each other.

What about you? Do you and your partner have your own language? Do you sometimes just throw your hands around and say gibberish, and just relax knowing your partner is going to totally get that you just meant "Please get me some ice water when you get yourself some" or "there's no time for foreplay the kids might walk in at any moment?"

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Robin Williams, Suicide, and Shutting The Fuck Up

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”

David Foster Wallace

When I was little, I was thrilled that my baby sister's name was Mindy, because I loved the Mork and Mindy show. And I have loved Robin ever since.

As some of you already know, I made my own suicide attempt on September 10, 2001. I fell asleep expecting to never wake up again. I did. And all around me, people were screaming and crying because terrorists were crashing airplanes into buildings and bodies were falling out of windows. It was a weird world to wake up to when I didn't even want to wake up ever again in the first place.

Like many people who survive their suicide attempts, my first thought was, "I can't even do THIS right, and now I just have more pain and problems than I did yesterday."

My second thought was, "...and look at all those people who didn't want to die at all, and now they are gone."  It seemed very cruel. People like me who didn't want to live, didn't appreciate life, and here we are, trying to end it, making a mockery of people who still had so much living they wanted to do, and who can't anymore.

The thing is, though, I didn't really understand what I was doing. I mean, I did on a certain level, of course, but parts of my brain weren't working. It wasn't that I was just too selfish to appreciate life. It was that I was too sick.
Via Cerescan
People like me who have this kind of illness face a unique kind of battle with the rest of the world that people with "understandable" diseases don't have to fight. That's not me bragging; it's not a bonus.

I am a lot more functional than I was before finally finding the right kind of medication, but even people who have known me for years still let truly insensitive things slip out of their mouths. They say they get it, but there's still a forgiveness that people are ready to give someone who has a noticeable physical disability, that they aren't ready to give to people with a mental disorder.

 If you have to cancel plans or aren't able to return a phone call because you were in a car accident, people turn the hurt around and forgive you. If you cancel plans because you just couldn't leave the house that day because the outside world feels like an ocean ready to rush in and drown you, then you get to hear things like "It hurts to be friends with someone who is depressed." And, "It's hard to want to keep making plans with you." As though, knowing how much my illness hurts others, I should be able to make a more conscious effort to not have it.

I'm not mad. I'm too used to it to get mad. Unfortunately, my first desire is to now just stop reaching out to people, because then I hurt them.

That's where things get dangerous. It is no one's fault when someone else commits suicide, but there is also a part of me bristling at all the rhetoric surrounding Robin Williams' suicide - if you need help, talk to someone, reach it, you're not alone! Well, maybe he DID try to reach out and people were fucking assholes about it! And maybe he reached out, got love in return, but his brain was in too much pain and it just wasn't enough! There's really no knowing, but I can tell you this, I had a sweet friend in high school who eventually succeeded in killing himself, and as much as his family loved him and still loves him and always will, he once told me on a school bus that they just don't get him and don't believe him. He later hung himself.
Hyperbole and a Half

Now of course, I'm going to get accused of making people feel guilty; the survivors who are left behind when someone succeeds and is able to finally move on and have peace. I still feel like we don't take enough responsibility towards each other. We still don't get how to act or what to say when someone has a mental disorder.

If someone is refusing to take medication, is abusing you emotionally or physically, is violent or stealing from you or generally unsafe, than you sometimes have to walk away from a mentally ill person. You can't force anyone get better, and you don't have to endure abuse to help them.

However, be reasonable.

If someone is "whining again" on Facebook, experiencing anxiety over something irrational like crooked doormats or how many times they washed their hands, don't take it personally, and don't make it about you. It IS exhausting to maintain relationships with people who are sick or disabled - you have to accommodate someone in a wheelchair, or someone excitable, or someone with a weak immune system, or someone with OCD. It's extra work. But we're still goddamn human beings. The majority of us would "stop this shit" IN A HEARTBEAT.

Medication sometimes fixes it, and sometimes HELPS us cope but doesn't fix it, and sometimes does nothing. Sometimes exercise and dietary changes fix it, and sometimes they HELP us cope but don't fix it, and sometimes they make no difference. A lot of us see IMPROVEMENT, but still have to manage. I recently discovered that vetiver essential oil will stop a severe panic attack (holy shit what a blessing!!!). But I still have never found anything that helps me get out of bed if my body refuses.

So, this is my reality. I'm not cured. I can't just stop hurting your feelings. And even though I'm getting better at resisting, I am still probably going to turn your toilet paper from an underhand position to an overhand one.

If I go into your kitchen and close all the cabinet doors for you, unless you also have OCD and need them open, just SHUT THE FUCK UP and let me do it. I don't know why, either, and pointing it out isn't helping.

If I can't leave the house, don't tell me I just need to get out into nature. That's the opposite of what I need. What I need is probably low stimulation and some quiet time.

If I have only been alone for 3 days but my brain tells me it's because people are fed up with me and I feel desperate, and your first thought is, oh no, here she goes again, just DON'T SAY ANYTHING. If it's that hard for you, just move on. It's Facebook, lots of people are drama queens fishing for compliments on social media. You can totally just roll your eyes in silence and not say anything. Because what you say will be repeated in my mind, over and over, for many hours, through many days.

And if I hurt you, and I give you an explanation for my actions, ACCEPT THEM. PLEASE If you are my friend, then I am 99% positive nothing I say or do is intended to get a rise out of you, be passive-aggressive to make you beg for my forgiveness, or otherwise done because I don't care about you that day, or secretly don't consider you a friend. PLEASE believe me that I'm almost always coming from either a loving place or a crazy place. That 1% of the time that I intend to hurt someone, that Iam truly being a vindictive bitch, you won't have to wonder - you'll know.

There is a lot of judgment going around against Robin Williams' wife. Why she didn't check up on him and assumed he was still asleep. Whether or not she was there for him. A lot of judgment towards him, as well. A Fox News asshole said Robin was a coward. That's someone who has no clue how much COURAGE it takes to actually follow through on an attempt to kill yourself.

 photo STFU.gif

The bottom line is, maybe she was trying to get him to just see how much he had to be grateful for, and wasn't hearing him. And maybe she was doing everything possible but it just didn't work. I don't know, and you don't either.

What you DO KNOW is, if someone you love recently broke down, did YOU brush them off, were YOU finally done, or did YOU have the presence of mind to either be supportive AGAIN for the 500TH time, or at least did you have the class to just shut up.

If you do not have it in you to support someone with mental illness, then just SHUT UP. 

And believe me - if you are witness to me being a pitiful attention whore, having a break down, or otherwise freaking out, it's because I CONSIDER YOU A SAFE PERSON. Chances are, you are also someone I CHERISH TREMENDOUSLY.

This has been a public service announcement from The Blasphemous Homemaker.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

How Do You Earn Free Essential Oils With doTerra?

I have two friends asking about enrolling with doTerra before tomorrow night, in order to take advantage of a very rare bonus deal going on right now called Share The Gift. If you enroll with a order that includes a minimum of 100pv value, you get 50 product points FREE. Points are like dollars when used on essential oils orders, so you are basically getting $50 worth of oils free the following month. They've been asking questions back and forth and I think I've made things more confusing instead of more clear, so I decided a blog post with pictures was in order so that I get everything organized in one spot.

IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: PV means personal volume. Each item and kit sold by doTerra has a PV value. IT IS NOT ALWAYS equal to that item or kit's price. Essential oils and essential oil blends DO HAVE PV values equal to their prices. Kits, supplements, accessories such as diffusers, these all cost more than their PV values. Product points can only be used on essential oils and their blends; items with PV values equal to their costs.

This oil blend costs $15 and has a 15 PV value. I can use product points to buy this.

This diffuser that vaguely resemble a vulva costs $89.95 but only has a 40 PV value. I cannot use product points to by the vulva diffuser. I CAN earn product points when I buy it, though, if I opt into the loyalty rewards program as explained below.


You go to my website (not your mom's, because I love you more) and you pay a one time $35 fee and then you become a wholesale member called a Wellness Advocate. Click here to see a printable copy of the agreement.  It's like getting a Costco membership.

You must pay a yearly renewal fee, but when you do, they send you a free bottle of oil, so it ends up being about $4.50 instead of $25.

You DO NOT enroll as a preferred member because there are no benefits to that except a 20% discount and 50% shipping rewards. This is useful if you want to just sell retail from your own store. This is not useful for any other reason. Wellness Advocate status has a 25% discount AND potentially 100% shipping rewards AND the opportunity for loyalty rewards AND the free product of the month AND referral bonuses. It also comes with a free website called your virtual office where you can track rewards and orders. It's a better deal.

They DO ask for your social security number for tax purposes.

I CAN ENROLL YOU if you want me to do it for you, but then you will need to share your credit card/debit card number and social security number with me. If you know me and are comfortable with that, I can do all of this on your behalf.

The kit you receive in the mail includes a catalog, some sample product pamphlets, little stickers for the tops of your essential oils bottles, and information about how to earn commissions if you decide to enroll people under you and do this as a business.


Because they needed to raise their shipping costs, doTerra instigated a shipping rewards program. This is the first way you earn free oils. This includes if you spend extra money to expedite shipping.

When you place an order or enroll over the phone, you get 50% of your shipping costs back in product points.

When you place an order online in any given month for any products at all regardless of PV value, you get 50% of your shipping costs back in product points.

If you enroll online or opt into the Loyalty Rewards Program and place your LRP order online, you get 100% of your shipping costs back in product points.

Example: You enroll as a Wellness Advocate through my website tonight and order some oils totaling $50. Your frickin' need them RIGHT NOW so you pay $24.99 for overnight shipping. Everything arrives the following afternoon. Points are credited on the 15th of every month AFTER the month where the points were accumulated. On August 15 you are credited 25 points that you can use for purchasing free essential oils with your next order. These points become visible in your doTerra virtual office on that day.


When you enroll with an enrollment kit, your $35 registration fee is waived. You also get discounted and/or free oils. I did not enroll with a kit myself, but I regret that decision now that I am more familiar with what the oils are all used for.

Click on this link to see a description of all the kits. There are several options.

If I could go back, I would choose the Family Physician Kit.
Click On This Picture For 150 Uses For The Family Physician Kit
There are only two oils in this kit I haven't tried yet, Oregano and DigestZen, and I've made a variation of the DigestZen at home. Every single one is incredibly useful.

The Slim & Sassy controls my cravings and actually makes me feel a little more chipper during the day. I've dropped one pants size with just that blend alone. It's not a lose weight quick scheme, so it didn't happen in 10 days or anything like that, but it helps me make better food choices.

I use lavender and tea tree (melaleuca) practically every day. Peppermint works on my husband's headaches. Breathe works on my husband's and son's asthma. Lemon is a fantastic cleaner and smells happy. Deep Blue works in bruises and swelling. I massage OnGuard onto everyone's feet when they're sick or illness starts going around. Frankincense is basically lavender on steroids.

The only thing not in this kit that we use EVERY single day is Balance blend. I intend to talk about that in a future, but it's the blend I massage along my daughter's spine every night that has completely eliminated her night terrors. I also recently discovered it works well as a massage oil when I get a stiff neck.

LRP points are NOT EARNED on enrollment kits because you are already getting discounts and a free oil or more. See below for more information on LRP points. YOU DO get shipping rewards points.


Sometimes certain products are offered at a discount.


The loyalty rewards program is not automatic. You have to opt into it. When you do, you set up a monthly order to happen automatically. You CAN change what is in that order if you don't want it to be the same every month. You can also change the date if necessary, or even cancel it, right online, without needing to call a customer service rep and convince them to do it (no parasitic customer service trying to change your mind!).

You earn free products this way by getting points back on your order, based on a percentage. As a NEW ENROLLEE, you would need to know that while you do accumulate those points during the first two months, they aren't actually credited to you during the first two months. I have no idea for the reasoning behind the delay.

Here is how it works, with screenshots from a doTerra training video. I am not posting a link to the video itself because I just re-listened to it and some of the information needs to be updated.

 These points are IN ADDITION to shipping rewards points. You do not have to opt in to the loyalty rewards program to get shipping points, as I explained above.

During your first few months, you earn back 10% of your LRP orders in points. These points are credited THE FOLLOWING MONTH by the 15th, similarly to the shipping points. For example, if you place a $50 LRP order in August, you will earn 5 LRP points IN ADDITION to 7 shipping points (minimum). Those 12 points would be credited to you on September 15. The exception is if you are new, as I just explained. Then there is that two month delay on the LRP points.


If you want to keep your LRP points, you only need to have a 1PV order a month. If you want to EARN LRP points, your orders must have a minimum 50PV.

IF you want to earn commission and bonus checks for enrolling people, you must not only place a 100PV order every month, but you must also have that 100PV minimum order scheduled in your account. If you cancel your LRP order and forget to create a new one, you may not get paid.

If you are not interested in enrolling people, then you do not have to worry about this 100PV minimum at all.

There is a minimum $3.00 redemption fee every time you use your product points, whether they are LRP points, shipping points, or both.


If you place an LRP order with AT LEAST 125PV by or before the 15th of the month, you get the product of the month shipped to you for free with your order. The product of the month is announced on the first day of every month. 

There is currently no product of the month because their Share the Gift special is going on.


If you enroll in any way before tomorrow night, July 31, 2014, with an order with 100PV or more, you will get 50 product points FREE. I have heard through other people that these points are showing up in new accounts WITHIN 48 HOURS, so none of this two month delay stuff you get with the LRP points. I have also heard that this kind of offer only comes about twice a year.

I believe this covers every question that was asked, but in a more coherent fashion!!

Click here to go to my website and enroll.