Sometime I think I really am just tricking everyone, that I'm a giant fraud. Today, when someone became upset with me for being unreasonably anxious over something perfectly reasonable, it shattered me. It reminded me that in the end, no one knows unless they've walked across the coals, themselves. They can try, but they'll never know. That's what makes it so hard. You can't really see depression or anxiety, and unless you have compulsive behaviors, no one really sees the OCD. Just you.
To other mamas like me, trying to keep their shit together while being good partners and mothers, trying to keep the crazy in enough that it doesn't spill over into your children's lives more than necessary, trying to keep all the pieces together with the thinnest string, I want you to know, I am in it, and I get it.
While the specific issues of my life are not the same as yours, I do appreciate the sentiment. I can remember having been terribly judgmental of certain people in my teens and college years. Then some real life happened to me and I got a lot less judgy. But I still find it bubbling up sometimes...old habits I guess. Actually my studies in psychology have helped--understanding more about personality and paradigm and how hard it is to change a mind... it's made me more patient with people. It's made me more tolerant, basically, of people who are not like me.
ReplyDeleteI guess that's the crux of it. I see it in myself anyway, that I can be patient with people whose struggles are the same as mine, cuz I *get* what they are going through. But when someone else fails at something I do fine with, it's harder to be accepting of it.
I'm trying to be more aware of it. So that I can be better about it.
And I just want to say, there are more than a few of us who appreciate that you talk about these things openly. It makes a safe space for others to talk about it too.
Thank you, Jenni.
ReplyDeleteIt's burdening when someone's company suddenly becomes a little less safe....
ReplyDeleteI get it. Hugs.
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